Let Me Fall
by ss6445
Summary: When Sasuke left the Village I didn’t know what to do with myself. So I cried. That is when I think my world started to shatter. Now I’m older Wiser. But some things never change. R&R sequel posted: Realization new story


AN : no i dont own naruto nor do i own cirque du soleil or josh groban (although i wish i can own any of the aforementioned)_  
_

* * *

Let Me Fall  
SS6445

_Let me fall_

When Sasuke left the Village I didn't know what to do with myself.

So I cried.

I begged Naruto to bring him back, I knew he had feelings for me, but I was so blinded with my love for Sasuke-kun.

Nothing else mattered.

That is when I think my world started to shatter.

Now I'm older

Wiser.

But some things never change, like how Naruto is a dense ramen lover, how Hinata still has a crush for him, Shikamaru loves to look at the clouds, Chouji loves food, Kiba is always with Akamaru, and my love for Sasuke-kun is still the same.

_Let me climb _

I didn't want to watch as a fan and swirl rushed ahead of me. With me always being protected by those I loved. As comforting as it may seem by having some of the most important men in my life willing to give their LIVES for me, the nuisance of the genin of team 7, I decided I will find my own way of being a ninja. A medic nin seemed to be perfect for me since I had the best chakra control of our academy class. How ironic it seems now, I can save a life, and heal any wound, but none of my own.

_  
__There's a moment when fear  
And dreams must collide _

Its been months since they left. Naruto, Kakashi-sensei, Yamato, Shikamaru, Lee, Neji, Kiba, Chouji, and Ino-pig.

They were sent on the mission I've been waiting for, for the last 4 years. Retrieve Sasuke-kun. Since he left the village all that long time ago I wanted to be on the team to help get him back, especially since our last attempt a year ago was a complete failure.

Flashback

_Sakura slowly opens her eyes. 'White? I must be in the hospital' _

"_Sakura," Shishou started "How many times do I have to tell you this? It's okay if you need somebody to take over your stop during an operation. You've been out for the past 2 days. Do you know how worried we were about you???"_

"…"

_Seeing no reaction from Sakura, it took all of Tsunade power to hold back a sigh "but congratulations, the operation was a success. And…"_

_Sakura slowly started to take in her surroundings 'something seems to be missing…where's Naruto? He usually is here…'_

"_Shishou" Sakura started but pauses and looks away before timidly asking, "where is Naruto? Normally he is here causin-" Sakura finally looks up to see the pain in Tsunade's chocolate brown eyes. _

"_Shishou…?"_

"…"

_Tsunade looks past Sakura with a pained look, and closes her eyes, lost in thought._

"_Do you want to hear the good news or bad news first."_

"_Bad"_

_Tsunade smiles warily knowing how hard this will hit her student "he was sent on a mission, it was A-ranked" Sakura bright green eyes quickly clouded with worry for her good friend, all the worst case scenarios flashed in her mind and she suddenly felt uneasy, as to what her Shishou would tell her next. _

"_And the mission was to retrieve Uchiha Sasuke… the good news is that he finally defeated his older brother Uchiha Itachi and should put up no resistance to coming back to Konoha…"_

_Immediately noticing the distress of her young apprentice she quickly added "the report came in last night right after you passed out from chakra exhaustion. And from out reports he was on the move again heading in the direction to either Konoha or Sound. So I sent all those able to go and retrieve him. I'm sorry Sakura I know how much you wanted to go on this mission, but I couldn't allow you…"_

_end of flashback_

I don't think she knew how much that hurt me. Especially since Ino took my place in the first team, as a medic. She is over Sasuke, yet she's the one who gets to see him first.

We haven't heard from them in the past 2 months when they first were sent off. Why isn't there any information? What happened to them? Did Orochimaru really take over Sasuke-kun's body? But we heard rumors that he was defeated by Sasuke-kun? I really must stop myself from thinking of this, it already led me to many nights of restless sleep. The only thing I can do now is wait, and serve my village as best I can.

But I can't help but see the pieces of my life are like a mirror, reflecting how broken I've become. _  
__  
Someone I am  
Is waiting for courage_

More months pass by. I roll onto my side, the comfort my bed once provided is gone, now it's just a place where I worry. Are they alright? Did Sasuke really betray Konoha fully?

Sasuke… I stopped adding the –kun to his name, why? I don't even know the answer myself. It happened suddenly one day I woke up, with my first thoughts being I wonder if they came home, and if Sasuke is alright. Before I knew it the –kun disappeared from his name.

Permanently.

Since they left I've gone on 4 B-rank missions and 7 C-rank missions. With my time I've also been promoted to second in rank at the hospital. I wonder if they'd be proud of me.

Naruto would congratulate me wholeheartedly, Kakashi would smile behind his mask, and much to my dismay ruffle my hair. Yamato, would congratulate me calmly and mean it. Ino would be jealous that I got this position instead of her. Lee would be almost comically pronouncing his undying love for me while saying he knew I would be able to do it all along.

Sasuke…he would….even in my mind it seems as though I can't control him, nor predict his movements, he is too much of a mystery.

Everyone keeps saying how much I've changed now that everyone has left. I train more, take on more solo missions and study ancient scrolls for my own benefit, not Sasuke's.

With all the time that has passed I won't feed myself false hopes that one day they will come home. They are not, it's been to long since they gave any indication that they have even found Sasuke, or that they have failed, even the hunter-nins can't seem to find them anywhere. But who knows this might be a cover up for something else that is all hush hush. I'm not sure what I should hope for.

I just hope that one day soon, I might find the strength within me to follow through with my plan.

_  
__The one I want  
The one I will become  
Will catch me_

Sai. He is the only one who seems to be suspicious of me. But then again I'm not surprised. He has a better fake smile than I do. He even seems to be showing a new emotion, for that I'm proud of him, yet mad, worry. He is worried, I think he thinks I'm being too reckless in my missions, and am spending too much time in the Hokage's library.

My course of action is becoming clearer and clearer with each passing day. They still have time to come back. Its not to late, but it seems as though my personal mission is motivating me more, then trying to catch up to Naruto and Sasuke's level. It's amazing how people change over time, and goals seem to disappear for new ones to take its place.

_So let me fall_

My body aches to be FREE. Freedom, how unattainable it seems. My bonds, they are the things that are caging me. My eyes, once so green and full of life, are dulling. I notice that less and less people want to be treated by me. Tsunade-Shishou and Shizune are starting to also worry about me. I stopped trying to smile, I can't understand why Sai keeps pretending, it's so much easier to not.

_  
If I must fall _

They are more worried. My skills have improved greatly, but my old habits have **almost** died out. I don't cry anymore, I don't smile, I try not to feel. Try. I still do, I still want to be free. I've stopped showing my full power. Why should I? The end is nearing. I want my freedom, I don't care the cost.

I'm sorry.

_  
__I won't heed your warnings  
I won't hear them  
_

Sai told Tsunade-Shishou that I have stopped believing they would come back. I trusted that bastard not to tell. But I guess this proves that he really is worried about me.

My punishment was an extremely long lecture, and being banned from solo missions for the next 3 months and being paired up with Sai, Hinata, or anyone else that is around. It seems as though I need to be playing the roll of a happy teenage girl again. With hopeS and dreamS. Now I have one hope and one dream.

_  
Let me fall  
If I fall _

My probation has been lifted. Before I use to forget what my true reasoning was, but then I would remember, Naruto and Sasuke. Still I think even if they came, the holes they left in my heart will not be filled again.

They have been gone for it long, and I've changed too much. There is too much darkness. But then again it might disappear when they reappear. Just for the sake of balance.

I think I regained Sai's trust back, although I am still am a bit of a loner. We spend lots of time together when neither of us have a mission, mainly if he doesn't have a mission, he is in ANBU after all, while I am a chunin. I could easily be promoted to Jounin, but I still want to keep my hidden power a secret.

I think most of us has given up, but still retain the smallest bit of hope that they will come home, since Tsunade-Shishou hasn't officially declared them MIA or KIA. There might be a reason for that, but I don't want to get my hopes up.

I spend all my waking hours in the hospital, and the days when I am more delusional, or act like my old self, I think this is the perfect place to be if they come home, I'll be ready to heal them and show off my skills. Since I've surpassed Tsunade-Shishou.

With all the acting I've been doing, part of it is rubbing off onto me. Or maybe my excitement for my impending freedom is seeping through the wall I have so meticulously built. My plan is completed. Now it is all up to Naruto and…Sasuke.

_  
__Though the phoenix may  
Or may not rise  
_

Looking out the window, the moon is full, so bright, so beautiful. Enchanting. Did you know Sasuke, where ever you may be. Its your birthday. July 23rd. after all these years without you, I still celebrate it. But today is especially special, it's a full moon. Full like the day you left me. Left Konoha, left and betrayed us all to fill your one ambition. To kill your brother. For all we know you died while completing it. Or killed Naruto and crew to gain the Mangekyo Sharingan…

But I will not think about that. After all today is special. The moon is full of life, like how I was. And I'm enchanted with it. So fickle. Constantly changing, but remaining constantly the same. To go from full to new to full once more.

Like a phoenix. Once they "die" they are born anew. To start a new life from its ashes. Like how I will be to, once I gain my freedom.

But with time running out there are now rumors going around. As if to tell me not to go. To wait. They say you are all alive. That you are all safe. Coming back to Konoha. But I will not be persuaded by these half truths alone. I will wait until…….Or at least until the right time has come. Then I will leave. Leave for freedom. Leave my heart, my friends, my everything that I once held dear.

_  
__I will dance so freely  
Holding on to no one_

How time has flown by. It's a bit earlier then I was planning. It's perfect. Maybe someone up there is finally smiling down upon me. An A-rank mission. Tsunade-Shishou told me that it's technically a B-rank mission that could easily escalate to an A-rank mission. And since I'm a medic and soon to be Jounin, yes against my will Sai signed me up to take the exam, and forged my signature. Damn him.

They are not coming home, even if the rumors and getting stronger, and more persistent. This mission is it. My ticket to freedom, this way I can leave without arising suspicion, and seem to die in a noble way and get my named inscribed into the memorial. Perfect.

_  
You can hold me only  
If you too will fall _

I was debating on whether to tell Sai or not. I still have till sunrise tomorrow. But he might stop me. And I doubt he would be willing to leave the village. I will not fail. It's too thought out and perfect. I will leave complete the mission, and purposely get any ninja to attack me, quickly defeat them before more come. Use the forbidden jutsu I found and modified, to get one of the victims, to transform into me. So they will cease to exist, and become literally me, in looks and even in DNA. The process will take 1 hour, and from there I can make my escape while the transformation completes in the next few hours. Of course get rid of the other bodies so it looks like they escaped and cover my tracks of me leaving. And so Haruno Sakura will cease to exist, I will make it seem like she died from an ambush, and heroically fought to the end, and was luckily able to finish the mission, my last mission, for Konoha will be completed. And with a modification of Tsunade-Shishou's Jutsu of staying young, I will change my scent ever so slightly and change my hair color to black, its only right, it would fit my personality. Beside why would sweet little Sakura-chan EVER dye her hair black? And I might even add an inch or two to my height to fool more them. Once again thanks to forbidden jutsus. See its perfect. No possible flaws. I have no what ifs left. If they were to come before I left, it would be to late, my plan is already started nothing will stop me, except death. Even then I will be completing my goal for that too is a type of freedom.

_  
__Away from all these  
Useless fears and chains  
_

The star are shining. There is a new moon. Even in the darkest of times there is always light and hope. Tonight is a perfect example. Tomorrow is the official death of Haruno Sakura. All my bonds are now null and void.

The night is quiet. They are not coming back. The truth is devastatingly sad, but I finally admit to myself, that it is for the best, they to me are good as dead. If in battle, I would acknowledge them maybe even run to avoid fighting them, but if worse comes to worse I will not hesitate, my freedom means that much to me.

I will not be haunted by another night of seeing their faces, hearing their voices, and replaying the memories I have of them. No more. I want to be freed from that.

Please…..

_  
__Someone I am  
Is waiting for my courage_

Late during the night, or it can be considered early morning I decided to make one final modification to my plan. Instead of completely leaving fire country, I will stay within the borders. Or very near at the very least. I think I will go towards the borders of the mist. So that way I can help the civilians who live there, and stay in an average to small town. Large enough to have ninjas near it, for patrolling reasons and so I can hear the news of what is happening, yet small enough to be cozy, and friendly.

I suppose till the end I will not ever get my idealistic freedom but that can wait till death. But still for the first time in years, I start to feel nervous.

And to think, once upon a time, I used to be colder then this, I used to not even pretend to smile. I suppose TRUE acceptance is a funny thing. Who knows my real smile might come back with time. Time…the one thing I have so much yet so little of…

_  
__The one I want__  
__The one I will become  
Will catch me _

With hours left before the start of my mission. I gather the things I will need, hoping this might be able to settle my nerves. Medical supplies, weapons, an extra set of clothes, the civilian clothes I bought on a previous mission, provisions, most of the money that I have kept hidden from everyone, wouldn't it be strange if when my mother was cleaning out my room that all my money was missing? And lastly the small photo album I made. To always remind me of my past. With a complex genjutsu that I made I disguise the photo album to look like a plain wooden box. With my nerves finally settled I start out.

I still have one hour till my mission starts but there is a place I must visit before I go._  
__  
So let me fall  
If I must fall_

The memorial. Heroes are suppose to have their names inscribed here. I know that my name will be here, but I can't help but feel guilty. I am no hero; I'm just a coward who just doesn't want to be caught. For the sake of an intangible thing called freedom, I will give my honor, my friends, and my old life. Oh how the mighty have fallen. The beautiful pink haired konoichi of team 7, who is rumored to have the strength to make a mountain turn to a pile of rubble, is running away from nothing. A nothing that is everything to me.

_  
__I won't heed your warnings  
I won't hear__  
_

At the gates Tsunade-Shishou waits. She is probably here to tell me to be careful, and if anything happens do not be afraid to run and get to safety.

How ironic her words are, I am going to run away to a place of safety, away from the place that is haunting me of my past self, of my dead dreams, and of my false hopes.

_Let me fall  
If I fall _

With every step closer I take to the gate the memories are being more and more unbearable. Lunches at Ichiraku with team 7, the bridge, all the missions we did, the flower fields Ino and I use to pick flowers in, and everything else. But most importantly waiting by the gate, me begging Naruto to bring Sasuke back, waiting here in the sun, cold, rain, heat anything waiting for them to come back to me.

I will not allow these memories to haunt me anymore, I will leave. And that is all there is. I don't care if I am falling into my own self made oblivion of lies and hate. I will be free.

_  
There's no reason  
To miss this one chance  
This perfect moment  
Just let me fall_

With that new resolve, I walked out. Not looking back anymore. I will never look back. This is my new life.

My future.

My freedom.

My lie.

My twisted soul searching for inner peace.

This is me, falling into the uncertainty the future holds, but I will survive for the sake of my past. My final proof to all that I am not weak.

My moment to fall.

Like a fallen angel

Falling into the oblivion of a lie.

I will fall into my lie. They will not come back

My fall.

But my first step towards freedom.

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special thanks to: Irises Cruel Bloody Rain 

and im thinking of writing a sequel to this so review and vote!


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